Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Mommy Dearest

She asked me did I feel abandoned when she asked me to move out. I lied and told her no. Really the truth lay somewhere in between. I did feel abandoned, but not because she asked me to leave. I had been an ill loved dog tied in her yard so long; the relief of being turned loose was like shaking a stone from a shoe.

And so I left. And my sorrow and indignation were utter and righteous all at once. I have held it, fondled it, examined so many times it’s worn white and smooth like a scar. My prized possession. My battle wound. Trotted out to titillate and disgust like an incision from a particularly gruesome surgery.
I have no interest in forgiveness. I need the scar to remind me of where she used to be. I’ll never have her, but I’ll have the scar from where she used to be. Closing together the two halves of me make me whole.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Senator Obama's attacks against Sarah Palin are not sexist. In fact, trying to play it like the big scary black man is beating up on the wee white woamn is more than just a little racist. If Obama can't "play the race card", y'all need to lay off "the gender card".

Let me clue you in on a few things, Republicans.

Never in the hostory of ever have I kissed my boss. Why?

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Because it's sexist.

Not supporting women's access to birth control and oppsosing abortion? Sexist.

You keep using that word. I do not think that it means what you think that it means.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Open Letter to Anthony Bourdain

I see it’s been about a year since anyone has suggested Baltimore (other than the clip of that crazy lady with the MICA squirrel in the Travel with Tony montage). It appears to be time to reassert the need to do a show here.

First, some things you should know about us. We have a huge inferiority complex and a chip on our shoulder.

1) You dissed us in Kitchen Confidential, and we won’t let it go till you give us another chance. Granted, that diss was deserved. All you saw was the Inner Harbor. That place is a tourist trap shithole. There … I said it! Bring it on Baltimore Tourism Bureau. I ain’t skeered a’you. Going to the Inner Harbor and saying you’ve seen Baltimore, is like going to Five Points and the Coca Cola Museum and saying you’ve seen Atlanta. You haven’t. But, we don’t blame you. That place is an assault on the psyche. It’s okay. We understand. But, let us show the rest of city that will be a healing balm to your scarred, scarred soul.

2) You’re doing a show in DC. The only thing Baltimorons hate more than being dissed in public is DC. We are everything DC isn’t. A very wise friend of a friend described Baltimore as DC’s ugly, older sister who’s a lot more fun to hang out with. Growing up around the DC area, Lord knows I love me some go-go and Ben’s Chili bowl perhaps a little more than is healthy. But, eventually you get tired of playing SoWhoDoYouKnowAndHowCanThatBenefitMe game. Yeah, there are great museums and stuff, but DC is such a see-and-be-seen town. And it gets old … fast. In Baltimore we ask all the same getting to know you questions, but it’s because we’re certain that we have a friend in common – we just have to figure out who it is.

3) Fucking Cleveland??!? You did a how in Cleveland? But still you won’t come to Baltimore? Harvey Pekar is an American subculture icon. And you got to hang with Marky Ramone. Either of which I would give my left tit to do. I understand the appeal. But, how can you ignore the city that gave us Frank Zappa, John Waters, and The Wire? Baltimore is a weird place. But it’s good weird. Yeah, we’re Bodymore, Murderland. But we’re also still a place where folks dance in the streets. You see folks dancing at bus stops. We will literally stop our cars in the middle of the street to get our groove on. There’s a weirdly awesome dichotomy here. We’re the Northern most Southern city. We’re not New York or DC. We all the best of those things and all the worst of them at the same time. To quote John Waters, New York City is weird and everyone there knows they’re weird. Baltimore is weird and no has a clue.

4) The food. The fooooood! We know you love a public market. Baltimore has 6. Some of which have been in continuous operation since the 18th century. Each one has its own neighborhood and vibe. And the crabs, of course. But, like so many other local cuisines, you have to do it with a local to do it right. No one but tourists goes to those schmaltzy crab houses. To do it right you need a bushel of crabs, lots beer and good friends, someone’s back porch, an assload of newspaper, and whole an afternoon. Crabs are a slow food. They cannot be rushed through, assembly line fashion, in some bustling crab house. Sure, they are better/bigger/meatier crabs than the blues. But crabs are really about the picking, and picking is an art form learned on lazy afternoons filled with talking shit.

So, the choice is clear. Either give in and do a show here, or continue to be hounded until you do. We promise to make it worth your while.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Words I Hate

Well, not really so much words, as phrases.

On a flow basis

This is the latest bit of corporate speak to circulate around my office. What does this mean? Stringing random words together is not insightful, folks.

Full Time Mom

This one makes me want jam a stick into the eye of the speaker. Really? Full time mom? So I guess that makes me a part time mom? I assure you mothering does not come with full and part time labor breakdowns. I’m a mom all day long. I don’t have a nanny or housekeeper. Kids don’t come in the less needy part time models. I still have doctor’s appointments and sports practice and school plays and all the same crap your kids have. You know what else I have, in addition to all the crap you have? A full time JOB.

Values Voter

Why is this always applied to the Christian Right? Isn’t wanting everyone to have the same basic human rights a value? The right to marry and love who ever you want, the right to healthcare, the right to an equal and adequate education? Aren’t those values?

Words are powerful. Language is meaningful. Be conscious of the words you use.

To quote Orwell …

“In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible. Things like the continuance of British rule in India, the Russian purges and deportations, the dropping of the atom bombs on Japan, can indeed be defended, but only by arguments which are too brutal for most people to face, and which do not square with the professed aims of the political parties. Thus political language has to consist largely of euphemism, question-begging and sheer cloudy vagueness.”

Pay attention folks. Listen not just to the words people use, but the implication. Think it through.